Nothing Fancy about these Fingers!

I still hear her voice from 12 years ago telling me that I was wasting my time and money getting spa manicures and pedicures. We were at a little sushi restaurant in Marina Del Rey where you had to take your shoes off and crawl into booths in which the tables were tucked into the floor. She told me to start doing my nails myself because I could learn to do them cheaper, better and faster! If only I had listened back then…but I’m finally taking her advice and vowing to not go into nail salons anymore.

My wise friend told me that if I was going to keep going to nail salons I should tell them to NOT cut my cuticles and to just push them. She said that cuticles don’t need to be cut and that it’s not hygienic to have them cut. I researched this and she’s right. So why do all these nail places cut your cuticles & risk exposing you to an infection? To get you to come back because your cuticles are going to be all jacked up in a few days when they start growing back all crazy! Your manicures will begin to last longer once you stop allowing nail salon employees to touch your cuticles.

Have you ever tried to ask them to not cut your cuticles? I advise you to try this. You’ll be so entertained by all the different reactions you’ll get. I’ve been doing this song and dance for years. They can be chatting you up in their broken English asking you all kinds of questions and answering your questions, but the minute you tell them you don’t want them to cut your cuticles all of a sudden they will get quiet and pretend they didn’t hear you, or didn’t understand you. They will nod or say ok and then try and go at your cuticles with their snipping tool. They’ll start talking loudly in a language you don’t understand asking their colleagues how to deal with you. I don’t always win this battle. Sometimes if I zone out or don’t pay close attention I’ll miss it and catch them cutting my cuticles a few fingers in at which point I just let them do it because I consider it  my fault for not monitoring what was going on. It’s like fingernail rape. Sometimes these women don’t get that NO means NO!

Let’s take a minute to talk about their cuticle cutting techniques. Have you noticed that when they start snipping your cuticles they keep going and going while your clipped cuticles collect in the little section on top of their tool? Why don’t they take a quick pause and clean out the tool in between fingers or hands? Is there a prize for most cuticle material collected?

Another unsavory trend that’s started at my local spots in the pedicure area is the penchant for cutting out nonexistent ingrown nails. They insist you have an ingrown on your big toe even though you don’t feel anything and don’t have any pain. They  just go in and cut part of your nail off and then go to town trying to cut down and pull out pieces of your toenail! WTF?  It’s a violation… a toenail rape of some sorts if you will.

Lately I’ve been bouncing around from salon to salon trying to find one that can do gel properly, will respect that I don’t want my cuticles cut and not mess with my nonexistent ingrown toenails. Sometiems my gel manicures last 2-3 weeks, but other times they don’t even make it to day 3 which blows baboon balls.  This was really starting to piss me off especially since they charge you more for the gels! I kept writing shitty Yelp reviews and they kept writing back telling me to come back so they can “fix it” for me. Who has time to go back 2 days later to have someone “fix” something I already went in and sat around for over an hour to get? NO! These gels take forever and a day to have put on and it also takes a long time to get them removed. Unfortunately I am not a lady of leisure with ample free time looking to spend hours upon hours of my life in a nail salon.


I went to get my nails done Thursday. I paid $55 (plus tip) for a spa pedicure and GEL manicure.  This gel was supposed to last me 2 weeks yet the picture on the left shows what my fingernails began to look like Saturday morning less than 48 hours after! The  gel polish began lifting off! It made me miss small chips in cheaper nail polish!  Do you see that bloody mess on my pinky? I paid someone to do that me.  Do you see the cut skin sticking out on the side of my index finger? Sexy! Do you see the chip at the top of my ring finger? Awesome! The picture on the right shows you what my fingernails looked like Sunday morning. Lame. The bit of damage you see towards the tops of my nails are from them scraping the gel off my finger nails 2 manicures ago, that’s why there is smoother healthier nail growth towards the bottom of my nail bed. This gel job came right off with no scraping on my part. I lose again! Why do I keep playing this stupid game that is an EPIC waste of my time and money?

Speaking of money. Yes, let’s talk about the money shall we? I’ve been getting regular spa manicures and pedicures for over 15 years. Let’s do some basic ass math. A manicure costs about $20-$25 (plus tip, more for gels, more for designs) and a pedicure costs about $20-$40 (plus tip, more for callus remover or other extras). I drop around $50-$65 (with tip) each time I go in. This means I’ve spent upwards of $10,000 ON MY FUCKING NAILS!!! I’ve been spending $600-$1,200/year on nails because sometimes I go in twice a month or get extras. I don’t even get acrylic nails like other women do. This business is racket. Imagine if every woman invested or saved all the money we are spending on our stupid finger nails!

Maybe I should do another post on how much money we spend on our eyebrows, eyelashes and waxing, sugaring and lasering!

I’m done! The house always wins…..  I’m not going back to a nail salon ever again. THE JIG IS UP! Game Over.



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