Can a girl get a stomach flu without being accused of pregnancy?

Last weekend, armed with my fake French accent, I attended a Parisian themed tea party. Being a Francophile and tea enthusiast this was right up my alley. I wore a dress, cocked my pinky high up into the air and had high tea with over 100 ladies.

What I hadn’t taken into account was that all the little crustless sandwiches and desserts had been made by the multiple hostesses. This presented a problem. I don’t do potlucks. I have an over active imagination so I’m convinced that everything at a potluck will make me sick. Just imagine that hummus someone made was probably made in a household where they let their cat up on the kitchen counter and when they turned their cat was probably lapping away at the hummus.

I didn’t want to be accused of being anorexic so I fixed myself a small plate. Sure enough, later that day when my husband and I were in a CVS about 15 minutes from home it hit me and I told him we needed to leave. Those moments in the car involved some serious deep breaths, clenching and cursing of non cooperative red light signals. What I would have done for some ginger ale in those moments. All I could think was “the cast of Bridesmaids was ACTING… this is REAL!”

What I later came to find out was my friends were also puking their guts out and having major stomach issues as were almost all the other tea party attendees. Damn that Parisian tea party to France and back! Were expired eggs used to make those cute egg salad sandwiches?

At work on Tuesday,  I was still nauseous and threw up in one of the stalls in the restroom. The next thing I know, I’m being asked in a hushed voice if I’m pregnant! After firmly stating I wasn’t I got the “Are you suuuuure????”  I resorted to telling the person that I was pretty sure since I had just visited the restroom to change my tampon! Let’s establish right here and now that accusing each other of being pregnant is uncalled for! Some females are seriously struggling to have kids and this question could really hurt their feelings and others like me are seriously struggling to NOT have kids and this question could really horrify them!

I’ll admit…having saltine crackers and ginger ale for breakfast the next morning didn’t really help my “I’m not pregnant” claim nor did it look good when I returned from lunch carrying a chinese food container full of seasoned sweet potato and curly fries, an iced hazelnut coffee and cake pops all before leaving early for a doctor’s appointment. What can I say? After not having an appetite for 4 days all I was craving was sweet potato fries and a hazelnut coffee. I had placed the order for the cake pops a week before to share with colleagues so the timing just happened to work out to look more incriminating than necessary.

So basically I’ve somehow managed to accidentally but successfully convince everyone at work that I’m pregnant. I plan to have some fun with this. Maybe, I’ll fake a miscarriage and get some days off. Don’t worry, I’m just kidding I would never do that. That’s awful.

It’s now Friday and my stomach is still not back to normal but the good news is…. I’m not pregnant! Fewf!

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