Open Letter to My Bangs

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Dear Bangs,
It’s not easy writing a letter like this.

I’ve tried on various occasions to have “the talk” with you, but I guess I don’t have the courage to confront you because I always just end up chickening out! I’m sorry for having to resort to such an impersonal method of communication, but it just has to be this way!

It truly breaks my heart to have to do this. I really wanted this arrangement to work, I really truly did, and I have to say I did give you an honest to goodness chance, but unfortunately this just isn’t working for me anymore! I’m not going to give you the “it’s not you it’s me” speech because in all honestly believe me…. it is you!

I’ve always wanted bangs, I went out on a limb and listened to AbbA and took a chance on you, but you haven’t lived up to your end of the deal here, you haven’t met any of the hopes and expectations I had for you. You are simply just too high maintenance for me and for this to work I would have needed way more cooperation on your part!

I just can’t live like this anymore! I’m sorry! This arrangement isn’t fair to you and it’s not fair for me either. You need to be blow dried, flat ironed, feathered, flipped and sprayed so that you can shine and get to be “all you can be”. I just don’t have the time to give you the love and attention you deserve and require, but what about my needs? What I need, is for you to be low maintenance and cooperative which you obviously aren’t willing to do so I’m constantly forced to pin you up.

We’ve reached an impasse here and that’s ok, things like this happen, it’s a part of life. The only solution I can think of is for me to keep pinning you up and wearing hats and other ridiculous accessories with the hopes that you’ll just grow out and then eventually we can go our own ways and just live our lives like we did before.

I do need to ask you for one last favor though. Could you possibly hurry the F#@% up? It seems like you are taking your sweet ass time to grow out and I don’t think you realize how inconsiderate that is of you. I have migraines because of the stupid pins I use to keep you out of my eyes and in place! For 24 hours now I have been convinced that I am slowly dying of an aneurysm because of this stupid migraine that won’t go away! Haven’t I suffered enough?

I guess what I’m hoping to get out of this letter is just some compassion…. please don’t make this harder than it’s already been. Let’s try to make this transition as smooth and easy as possible. No need to let things between us completely go to pot, after all… you’re still a part of me and I love you!

Thanks!
See you the next time I look in the mirror…
Lori

Author’s Note: This letter was composed back in 2007. I have kept this letter around for 7 years to ensure I always remember the horror of bangs. I knew that just like women forget about the pain and torture for childbirth and labor and decide to give that another go that I too would one day forget the pain and try again…. So far, so good. Fool me once…

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